Lisa,
the words that you sent to me in an email, over 10 years ago, were so cruel and out of line that it has taken me this long to decide to respond to you directly.
In your letter you attacked my every relationship in my life. I never got to tell you what I thought of you and all of your relationships. You never took back your many paragraphs of insults. I still have the email. I complied with your demand that I not respond to you. I made sure that I not live in a place where I might “cross your path” again as you threatened me not to.
But it’s been 10 years. You’ve had far more access to my grandchildren and I know for certain that you have participated in creating a negative narrative around me. It is time for me to respond. I think I’m entitled to respond.
You and I never had a cross word in our lives until I said those 3 little words to Dean.
You told me to never cross your path again because I had hurt your husband. You cannot tell me one single word or deed I ever did to ever hurt your husband’s feelings, except for 3 words, which were the last words I ever said to him. For the full history of my relationship with your husband I treated him with nothing but respect until the day of my lung cancer diagnosis.
For that, you have lied to the entire family about me on so many levels. You know Beth is crazy and unhinged. You know she beat me up, stabbing me in the head, the day after Marilyn was buried,w hen Jane was in my belly! You know she knocked everything off the restaurant table onto everyone’s lap, in a rage, t he morning after we buried Nancy. You know she has always said horrible things about me and you have been supporting it ever since you got angry with me for saying those 3 words.
You know that she is the one who stood outside the doors of both Mom and Dad, as an adult, screaming late at night about what horrible parents they had been. Beth told me that Ray asked her to stop visiting in the last months of Mom’s life because Beth was being so cruel and punishing with her. Yet you are alright with that, which only shows you are being a hypocrite when you claim to be so angry about me for how I treated Mom.
What did I ever say to Mom that was cruel? Absolutely nothing. Sure I had opinions, but I was respectful and kept silent about it. You don’t recognize how out of bounds you are to rage at me because of my “opinions”, because there are no actions you can condemn me for
When Bryan and I got to spend 6 months with Johnny in Santa Fe, before he was diagnosed with lung cancer and returned to Texas to die, it was one of the most beautiful times in all our lives. I was devastated when Johnny went back to Texas. When he got there, in our first phone conversation, Johnny was in a panic. He shouted, “Kay, watch out for Beth! Beth is not your friend!” It made me ill to realize Beth would share her toxic rage against me to our dying brother. I’d not mentioned her one single time during my time with Johnny, so he was taken completely by surprise.
You, however, have always been well aware of the toxic malice she likes to spread about me. It only took Johnny one day, Lisa, so don’t pretend that you do not know what our brother knew.
For the record, I’ve not spoken one word about you, or Beth, to either of my grandchildren in all of these years, with what little time I’ve been able to spend with them. The thought of returning to Texas, even for a visit, with all you raging, threatening, violent nuts, makes me shudder to this day. I hold you partially to blame for the fact that I haven’t been able to spend time in Texas to watch them grow up. I wouldn’t consider living there precisely because of you. Beth I could hide from. You, I could never trust.
I took up for you all your life when Beth used to tell me how spoiled you were. She told me to “keep away from Judy” when we sat on Dad’s porch steps the first night I got there after Juanita’s death. She told me Judy was the worst. She also bashed you and Dean. But, I’m sure you’re not surprised. You’ve been using her to spread malice against me this past decade. I know you have, because she shared copies of her emails to me with her outrageous accusations.
Beth reminded me, a few times, when we were working on Dad’s house, that you had demanded that Laura not be given a single piece of Juanita and Dad’s china. That was very unfair, and I should have spoken up, but I didn’t because I felt ostracized by Laura, something that you, Lisa, encouraged.
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Nancy was more devoted to Dad than any of us . You continually wanted to cut Laura out of everything and then you tell me in your hateful email that you convinced her, at our mother’s funeral, that all I cared about was money. Do you have any idea how twisted and dishonest that was to do to a person?
I defended Laura every time you complained, habitually, about the fact that Laura dared to ask Mom to pay the laundry fee. Please recall that I always responded I was proud of Laura for doing that, because the gift of camp should not be a burden. I never supported your anger over it.
On my last visit with Mom, after a long drive from TorC, NM … Mom and Ray didn’t even let me bring my bags in and rest before they loaded me up with complaints. I sat on the couch, as soon as I arrived. They didn’t ask about my health, about the spot on my lung. They didn’t ask about the long drive. The first thing Mom did was get up and march back and forth in front of the television, waving her arms in the air. “Why am I paying for their children’s camps?” She told me, as if shocked, about the Cayman Island vacations and felt she shouldn’t have been paying for camp since Laura had so much money. The first thing I did was think to myself, “looks like Lisa finally got to Mom”. Ray supported Mom’s complaint and I told them I disagreed, and didn’t see what one thing had to do with the other. I told them the Cayman vacation sounded like a near perfect family vacation and didn’t understand the problem. They were pissed off at that so dropped the subject when Mom started in immediately on Judy.
“Well have you seen Judy’s hair?” she said “Well, she’s died it blonde and it looks awful!” By then, she had stopped pacing, and she was just standing by her chair, but still yelling. When I wouldn’t support the gossip about Judy, she fell back into her chair, looking deflated.
Stop pretending that Mom was a saint just because you want to hurt me. I loved her just as much as you. You carry on so much about how much you helped her. Have you any idea how much others sacrificed for her? You and Mom had a mutually beneficial relationship, so stop with the big show.
Mom begged me to move to NM when I was 18 years old, in San Antonio College and working at my first job. I could have stayed in Texas and I wanted to stay in Texas. I gave up the entire decade of my twenties, going to jail for Beth’s crime, then having to take care of a schizophrenic sister who was hearing voices, while I was holding down a full time job. Every time Mom and Ray sent Marilyn to me, it was devastating to us both, each and every time. In Carlsbad it cost me a 2 year long job at the local newspaper, in Chicago it cost me a dept management job at the Des Plaines journal. I don’t regret that I did it for Marilyn. I don’t regret one minute I ever spent with her. But I think it’s outrageous that you carry on with how much you sacrificed, not mentioning the many lives that were sacrificed for Mom, not mentioning all the many benefits you received, in return for the burden of living next to Mom. Free horse stabling for, not one, but two horses. Free childcare. Free pet sitting, including cats, dogs, rabbits, fish, what have you. All you had to do was walk out the door and Ray and Mom took care of the rest for you. Free storage for your husband’s excess. Quit carrying on about what a burden it was for you.
You know that Beth spent her life bashing Mom verbally, and despite my bad feelings over some of the cruel things Mom did to my siblings, I never confronted Mom about it and it didn’t prevent me from being civil with her throughout our lives. I didn’t publicly bash her ever, as Beth did on a regular basis, over the decades. Don’t pretend you’re angry at the way I treated Mom when you can accept what Beth did to both Mom and Dad with her screaming tantrums. The last few weeks of Mom’s life Beth told me that Ray repeatedly asked Beth why she kept visiting Mom since she hated her so much. Beth was bashing Mom until the very end and you are okay with that. So, stop pretending that you’re mad about anything else except for those 3 words that slipped out of my mouth.
You say that I ignored Judy. Christ, you made everyone afraid of Judy. You told me, all her life, how she hated everyone. She hated being around Mom. She hated Dad himself. You told me she wasn’t “used to” a family like ours. I was glad to know that must mean you and Dean had quit breaking windows and putting holes in walls, but it also made me nervous around her. There was no ill will intended on my part.
You criticized Jane so much to Mom that Mom made it an off limits conversation.
Before the 3 words that I said, Lisa, you and I spoke on the phone at least 3 times a week, mostly discussing our teaching jobs, but you usually had at least one complaint against Jane. Every time you brought her up I told you I had no power over the situation and therefore no opinion, but I allowed you to continually express your negative feelings over it. You made sure to tell me about every form of help Jane ever received, despite that I never asked. You made sure to tell me about every tantrum Jane had to get what she wanted, despite that I never asked.
It would be a few years later that I would learn, from Beth, that you had been sharing the same complaints about Jane with Beth. I honestly never thought you could stoop that low, all that time, while I was keeping your family’s dirty laundry a secret, you were spreading my family’s flaws as rapidly as you could.
You were constantly competitive with your two best camp friends as well. Such a two-faced, superficial person. I honestly feel sorry for you, except for your toxic influence on my granddaughter.
Don’t think I didn’t find out that you’ve been talking about me, very negatively, all of her life. I have never discussed you, or any of you with her, ever. That would be abusive and absurd. But the poison you put in her head about me had much to do with my limited ability to help her to this day.
I wish I could be like you and threaten you to never cross my path again, or the people that you’ve lied to and hurt, that I love. But I don’t trust you gun nuts.
So now my granddaughter is in the hospital and you intimidating, perpetually lying gun nuts are the only ones in charge.
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Oikos 