Letter to Gabe

Dear Gabe,

I’ve never talked to you about anyone in the family. Nor have I talked to Izzy about anyone in the family. But I want you to know that I’ve been made well aware that someone has been talking about me to the two of you, for all of your lives.

Some of the stories they’re telling are completely untruthful, some of them distorted. I’m not sure who is doing the talking … it could be one of 3 people, and I don’t care to know. I only care to tell the story from what I witnessed. I hope you will give me a fair hearing.

I never explained why I decided the best thing to do was stay out of the state of Texas. I’ll always regret that I didn’t get to see you and Izzy grow up, but it would have been worse had I stayed. I would have found it necessary to defend myself against all the gossip and I’m sure it would have been more toxic for everyone.

My relationship with the family came to a sudden end when you were 10. It was the summer I had half of my lung taken out. Just a couple weeks before the surgery, both you and Izzy took me by the hand and pulled me into your house through the back door, while your mother was gone to town. She hadn’t allowed me to come in the house and was never aware that this had happened. I didn’t try to snoop around or push my way into her life. I feel I was respecting the boundaries that she set.

The two of you asked me to help you clean it. You guys were going to go to the coast in a few days and I told you I would do it while you were gone. I hope you remember this time, Gabe. Izzy was three years old.

On the day you guys left for the coast, I had to have my PET scan to determine if the spot on my lung was cancer or not. For that test, you have to fast for 24 hours, do no exercise and avoid stress. All of those things would interfere with the test. It has to do with inflammation, I think. Since I knew I would be dizzy and weak after 24 hours of fasting, I got a room in Austin the night before the test, to avoid the long drive from Hunt.

I woke at dawn and got ready in a kind of creepy motel room, feeling nervous and hungry and trying to stay calm. I was almost ready to go when Lisa called unexpectedly. She told me that Dean had entered your home that morning, knowing that everyone was out of town, and that he was extremely upset and said he was going to take his crew inside and throw everything away that very day.

I told her to ask Dean to please not do that and explained the plans I had made with you. I could hear Dean yelling in the background. Lisa told me he was continuing to insist on bringing his work crew into your home. She suddenly handed the phone to Dean where he began to yell at me and carry on about the condition of your home. Once again I tried to explain that we’d just made a plan to take care of things, but he wouldn’t listen and continued to yell, so I hung up and continued on to my appointment, completely stressed out and in tears during my PET scan, wondering if a crew of strangers was in your home throwing away all your belongings.

The test took a few hours. They make you rest under a warm blanket for a while to relax, and then take you through a machine that takes at least an hour.

When I returned to Hunt, after the scan, it was a very hot day in July. The worm farm that you, Izzy and I had made had been pulled off the shaded front porch and onto the hot pavement of the driveway. The worm bin had been sprayed over with some kind of cleaner. The outside of the worm bin was covered with dead worms who had died in their efforts to escape being baked in the plastic container out in the hot sun, only to be fried by the cleaner that was all over the exterior. It was a very sad sight and so unnecessary if only Dean had communicated with others, rather than sneak around and wait until everyone of us was out of town. I got rid of the worm farm so you guys would not have to see the horror of it. I discovered that he had not taken his crew into the house after all, so I got to work.

By that evening I received the message that I did indeed have lung cancer and I was terrified.

I dragged myself up the back stairway of Gigi and Papa’s living room, freaked out about my cancer diagnosis and needing to share it with them.

I walked in to find Dean standing in the middle of the living room with Gigi and PaPa sitting in their recliners. Dean was carrying on, in his loud way of speaking, about the condition of your home. I slumped into the couch, waiting for him to stop so I could tell them about the diagnosis. He didn’t stop so I asked him if he’d always lived such a clean life.

He said to me, with a loud huff, that he’d never lived as dirty as Jane had. I asked him if he was sure about that and he said that he was, that he’d never seen anything so dirty as Jane’s house.

I began to think about the past 3 decades, and the affairs he had, the diseases he contracted because of his unhealthy lifestyle, and how I’d faithfully kept my mouth shut about it, at Lisa’s request, so that everyone would continue to consider him the saint that he never was. It might be hard to believe at this point, but I spent the majority of my life feeling protective of my little sister, and I think I did a good job hiding my resentment for decades. Can you imagine a man treating Izzy the way Dean treated Lisa, and what you would feel about him?

I have to admit it pissed me off that Dean could not wait to run to GiGi and PaPa and make a scene about my daughter, after I had respected his right to privacy all those years.

It was then that I let 3 little words slip out of my mouth for which I have had to pay dues for the past 12 years.

The three words were: “Herpes, Siphilus, Gonnorhea”

After that, Lisa told me not to ever cross her path again. She didn’t ask me about the conversation, she had already decided that I was the enemy, so I hung up on her. Those 3 words that I said are the only words that I said, because I realized I’d probably gone too far, so I got up and left the living room.

In any event, Lisa has paid me back many times over for that slip. She has told outright lies about me to other members of the family, both cousins and nieces, so I’m sure you have not been left out.

I will try not to get into it, unless asked. Dean was very cruel to me at my mother’s funeral for nothing that had to do with my mother and I. My mother and I had not had a cross word in decades. Dean blocked the entry of the chapel at my mother’s funeral and yelled at me and Bryan, not allowing us entry, strictly because he was still angry with me for telling on him the summer before.

It’s clear what’s left of ‘the family’ wants to accuse me of being cruel to my mother and the only reason I can think is that they themselves were in arguments with her when she passed away.

It was Lisa who was told, repeatedly, by Mom, that she was not allowed to discuss Jane with her, because Lisa was continually complaining about the financial help that Jane was receiving from her. It’s the one and only thing Mom ever said “no” to Lisa about. Lisa also complained continually to me and to Beth about the financial help, fyi. I never once objected to Mom about it, and always told Lisa that I had mixed opinion about it. So, I stayed out of it, for the record. I’m aware that I’ve been accused of being jealous about that, which was never the case.

I never agreed with Lisa’s complaints about Jane. I tried not to share an opinion either way. I never once spoke to my mother about the help she was giving Jane. To me, that was between her and Jane.

However, the last summer that I visited with Mom and Ray, as soon as I arrived at the house, after driving there all day from TorC, New Mexico, the first thing Ray said to me was that I needed to talk to you about respecting him. He was angry that you had brought a friend to his shed, taken some cokes and then ran away giggling when he came out. He was furious and I didn’t respond the way that he wanted, so it made him angrier.

I was worried sick about my coming PET scan, and what the results would be, and the last thing I was going to do was start scolding my grandkids after never getting to see them for most of their lives. Ray continued to be angry with me throughout the last visit.

My mom, for some reason, had a beef against Judy and Laura that summer and she was very angry with me on my first day of arrival because I would not support her negative gossip about each of them.

It’s a sad fact that, by the end of my summer of lung cancer and surgery, everyone in the family was angry with me for not joining them in their anger against someone else in the family, and by the time I returned the next year, for my mother’s funeral, they had all joined forces to scapegoat me.

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The morning of my mother’s funeral, I had just driven over a thousand miles from the New Mexico/Arizona border to Austin, Tx, in order to pick up Bryan at the airport at 5 a.m., get a room in time for a shower and then fight Austin rush hour to get to Hunt, TX. We were late, and my head was spinning from more than 24 hours with no sleep. A thousand miles of dark, lonely desert, all night long. Keeping your eyes wide open all night when you’re in your sixties is a real challenge. There are no bright lit cities along the way. It’s a long and desolate stretch between Gallup, NM and Austin, TX.

For the record, Lisa and I never had a single fight in our life, until I said those 3 words. Instead of being ostracized for letting 3 words slip out, I personally think I should have been given an award for keeping silent about the deep resentment I had for Dean and what he’d done to my sister, over and over again, decade after decade. In fact, I’d just learned about his infidelity that occurred when Judy was a toddler, and I was actually stunned. I honestly thought he’d become faithful at the birth of his daughter, and was feeling especially peeved to learn he had not. That’s another reason why the 3 words slipped out.

I hope you remember I cleaned your house pretty well. It took me 3 full days, carrying big bags of trash on my back in the heat. When your mother was driving back from the coast, and I told her what had occurred she said to me, “Oh good, Mom, that’s how I always wanted it to be. You and me against the family.” I was shocked and disagreed with this objective. What would be gained from that? She got mad and hung up and wouldn’t speak to me when you guys got home. She walked right past me, looking up in the air and refusing to speak to me or look at me as I stood on the porch, marched into the house and shut the door. A few minutes later she did come out and thank me.

With the entire family angry with me at that point, not one of them caring about my pending lung surgery, I realized my fantasy of moving back to Texas and being able to see my grandchildren grow up was not going to happen.

I tried to lure you guys and your mom out of Texas, with what little I had to lure you with. But it never worked. I always thought one day I could make up for it, catch up on things, get to know you, have an influence on you, once you were grown. Now I realize that there is no getting back the opportunity to watch you grow up. I used to ask for pictures and news, but gave up when I was told all the pictures had been given to my sister, who then lost them. I used to ask for videos but was told they were shared with the Angelus family, not share-able to me.

By the time I returned the next summer for my Mom’s funeral, it was clear that the Hunt, Tx part of my family had ganged up on me, decided I was the enemy.

I was once my mother’s strongest supporter and protector, when she was a single Mom and Beth used to beat the shit out of her, grabbing her by the hair and yanking her down the stairs, etc.

Although Lisa and I always got along, and supported each other, until those 3 words, I’ve always avoided interaction with Beth for reasons that would fill a book, and will, if I ever get the time. What is most revealing is that Lisa was willing to join with Beth, knowing the history of violent bullying and untruthfulness.

The last thing Lisa said to me was in an email, telling me to not speak to her again, and warned me not to “ever cross her path again” …. Her level of rage was enough to keep me away from Hunt, TX and, combined with Beth’s violent style of bullying, it was enough to keep me out of Texas.

Except for those 3 words, I never treated Dean with anything but love and respect as a brother-in-law, never once mentioning the many times that he hurt my sister. The extremity of her reaction made me realize I could never live near her family again. I realize I sacrificed the chance to know my own grandchildren in order to do so, and I wanted the history behind all this to be very clear.

I’m sorry if these stories bring back hurtful memories. I hope it also helps with healing, whether you believe me or not, you now know where I’m coming from.