my first memory of existence,

of myself,

was a vision of a tiny insect like person

dancing in front of me

cackling like a demon

“Come out of the bushes, Kay!” she kept shouting.

Mom, Dad, and others around her were laughing.

She was delighted that everyone was laughing at me, and cheering it on.

They were joking about my knotted, ratted, uncombed hair. It looked like a big bush falling in front of my face.

I must have been three years old.

I remember vowing to myself, in that moment, that I would never come out of the bushes until that mean spirited thing dancing in front of me was not around.

My next memory of existence centers around a tonsilectomy I had at the age of four. My sister was five. I remember fighting the doctor, trying to kick him as he placed a black rubber mask over my face. I literally thought he was trying to murder me. He had on a mask. He was evil incarnate. I did not understand at all what was happening, but I remember what happened.

When we arrived home I was very groggy and in a good deal of pain. They offered me ice cream but I didn’t want it, it being too painful to swallow a thing. My sister began to wail when they wouldn’t give her ice cream. Probably a poor choice on their part. I paid for it the rest of my life.

She reminded me how she didn’t get ice cream on that day, consistently, throughout life, including the last time we were together, the night before Dad’s funeral, in her mid-sixties. She never let a good grudge go to waste. I never mention to her once, when she brings it up, how miserable it was for me to be in so much pain, so weak and defenseless, while her loud wailing filled the house.

through the next five decades she would beat me up at the most vulnerable times, seek out others to beat me up, from grade school through high school. After that she used authorities to try and intimidate me, four different times. The authorities she called told me I could sue her. I didn’t have the money or the strength to fight her.

I could go on and on and on …

There are reasons I ended up having to remain out of state for the remainder of my life. My big sister is a psychopath, and I’ve always been her primary target.